She Tackled Me
It was such a nice day. After we cleaned up our taco dinner, we went outside as a family to play. We hoped in between using sidewalk chalk and playing football. There was laughter and fun. Because I’m an awesome mom, I was chasing my son, trying to steal the football, and maybe trip him, and someone jumped on my back.
I was startled, but I heard laughter and quickly realized that Crazy Chicken was on my back. I spun her around and she clung to me and wanted me to hold her.
You guys. You have no idea.
To say Crazy Chicken and I have a rough relationship would be putting it lightly. She has blamed me for a lot of her trauma, and does so by being super aggressive with me and distant. Even as a baby, I could not put her to sleep, or soothe her, that was all the hubby.
I have been praying fervently for our relationship. I know that Jesus brings redemption and reconciliation and fully believe that He can do that in our relationship. In some ways, I did not even know what to pray because I was so uncertain of what this could look like. Our entire relationship consisted of her hating me.
The last few weeks, I have seen God work small miracles and soften both of our hearts. She has asked me to hold her, to read books to her and genuinely seems to enjoy spending time with me. (Side note: the fact that I just said she likes to read books, is a miracle in and of itself. She usually does not sit still for ANYTHING).
Trauma hits home. Some close friends have asked how I feel about my relationship with Crazy Chicken. I would expect myself to feel jealous of my hubby, frustrated or mad. And sometimes I am all of those, but mostly I am mad that the trauma she has experienced plays such a large role in her daily life. I don’t want that.
Oh Jesus, I long to see full redemption. I long to see healing in her life. And this is what keeps me going. This is why I can get up each day, because of hope. If Jesus can overcome death, He can overcome trauma that my daughter has experienced. He can overcome how she deals with that trauma and the strain in our relationship.
There is hope. I could not do this without hope.
I am choosing to lean in. To lean into all of I can with Crazy Chicken. To seek after her heart and love her well. To lean into Jesus. To seek after His heart, to know Him and to love Him well.
Hope. Hope cause me to lean in.